In This Issue
The Dark Side of Feeling Good
By Franzi Ng
If you have been following my newsletter over the past few years you will have noticed the seismic shift that has taken place in my writing. In fact, I may even have lost some of my audience to the profound transformation I and my work have experienced.
When I hired my first coach several years ago, I was at best skeptical about the profession. I was optimistic (or was I really desperate?) that coaching would help me shift some aspects of my business but I did not expect miracles. After all, coaching could not possibly be as powerful as the healing work I had been doing with my clients. My success rate in eliminating (not just managing) my clients’ issues has been a solid 97% (Ng, 2010). How could jsut talking about stuff possibly surpass that?
What followed was an intense period during which I learned to distinguish first-hand the therapeutic approach from the world of coaching. I soon realized that they are as different as night is from day. The following two client stories illustrate that distinction.
Jen’s Story
Jen was in her mid-fifties when she first came to see me several years ago. She complained of often feeling overwhelmed, anxious and depressed. As an immigrant, a two time divorcee and a single mom to a tween son she enjoyed modest success in her career. Jen described her relationship with the newer man in her life as unhappy, oppressive and verbally/emotionally abusive.
I gave Jen everything I had in my healing arts toolbox and pretty soon she was feeling better and stronger, able to leave the relationship that was draining her creativity, energy and joie de vivre. Unfortunately, only a few weeks later that newly found self-confidence had evaporated and Jen moved back in with him. That’s when she called me to book another healing session because her anxiety had now turned into daily full-out panic attacks.
It was then that I knew something was missing from my work. While Jen was making positive changes while feeling strong, she was no longer generating that when the positive feelings had left. She had to come back to get her next feel-good-fix.
This is when I started to confront the dark side of healing. I became painfully aware that many people seeking healing of any sort are often content when they were no longer in acute pain, the emotional artery has been plugged, and can then return to their old life. In the healing arts, the focus is on fixing the past so I can bear the present and not on creating a new me and an extraordinary future. The focus is on getting incrementally better, not transforming one’s life.
In the healing world feelings are everything. They are the gold standard for success. If you feel good, the work is done; if you still feel bad, more digging in the past and healing of that past has to occur.
Unfortunately, that does not work, at least not for the majority of people who are generally healthy and well. Letting feelings and emotions run our lives is like letting toddlers run the daycare. We all have feelings and emotions, or more precisely these feelings and emotions have us, but in the coaching paradigm these feelings are not the be all and end all. They are not me.
If I stub my little toe, I have pain, but I would not say: “I am pain,” the pain does not become me. When it comes to feelings on the other hand, we are much more likely to exclaim: “I am angry. I am sad.” When we do that and collapse our emotions with our identity-we regard them as one and the same-we can quickly get into trouble. If I perceive myself to be my emotions and these emotions hurt, I am by extension flawed and I require healing.
When I coach my clients, I help them untangle themselves from their feelings. I help them see that they have feelings but that they are not their feelings. Thus, when faced with a challenging situation, they can assume a much more empowering inner stance, a stance from which they can observe and declare: “I am having painful thoughts and feelings right now and I am choosing to follow through on my commitments anyway.”
Bill’s Transformation
Bill was a hard-working, determined and passionate consultant who despite his best efforts was not able to generate the six figure income he was determined to create for himself and his family. After years of “trying everything” he was exhausted, disillusioned and flirting with the idea of returning to his old job at the bank.
Then we started coaching together. Sure, Bill had a lot of pent-up feelings and emotions which we acknowledged and worked through-and then he started to reinvent himself. Within just a few sessions, Bill had replaced most of his wearisome, unprofitable clients with CEOs, managers of billion dollar assets, major players in the real estate market, doctors and politicians. He started to work out daily, changed his diet, updated his wardrobe, improved his relationship with his daughter and started to generate the monthly income he had always dreamed of.
This I call transformation, not just changing how you feel.
Bill could never have pulled off this transformation had he believed in the permanence of his personality. In fact, he was only able to reinvent himself because he was willing to stop being himself, he was willing to stopliving his life from his limited and limiting personality.
The myth of personality is our cultish attachment to who we believe we are which then dictates what can and cannot happen in our life. It gets expressed in statements like these: “Oh, I could not do that, I’m not a morning person.” “I’m too shy to make that request.” “I don’t sell, that’s just not me.” “I’ve never been good at that. In fact, my grandfather was already a bad speller. That’s just how it is in our family.”
People who believe in the permanence of personality don’t remember that they made upthis personality sometime in their teens to survive high-school. Unfortunately, that make-shift survival personality can begin to look real and becomes a prison that leaves no freedom to colour outside its rigid lines.
So at age 41, Bill reinvented himself, changed his behaviour and was rewarded by results he was not even able to imagine from his previous point of view.
My Quest
Straight-Line Coaching is not appropriate for everybody. Hence, I still welcome a limited number of clients who request to work with me with a focus on healing. I implemented some coaching elements into this work so clients are more empowered and strengthened than ever. I love doing it and my clients love to leave my office or hang up the phone after a consultation with a huge grin on their face and peace in their heart.
Straight-Line Coaching is appropriate for clients who are strong and bring the sufficient commitment to the table to create the life they want and love. Straight-Line Coaching is a great fit for individuals who are willing to surrender to what works and give up what does not. Straight-Line Coaching is brilliant for people who want to create a powerful, inspiring life rather than just live out the life they were given. Straight-Line Coaching will change your life. So buyer beware.
I have been on a life-long quest for transformation. That’s why I started out as a teacher, became a school administrator, a healing arts practitioner, got my doctorate in leadership and change, started to facilitate workshops, offer keynotes and go into practice as a coach. Why? Because I have never seen people shift as radically and profoundly as I do when I work with them as a coach.
I am committed to giving my clients the best, always, and Straight-Line Coaching is the best I have to offer.
Coaching is one of the fastest growing concept in the world. Straight-Line Coaching is quickly becoming the preferred method for leadership development in many organizations. Coaching works. In fact, coaching boasts a return-on-investment of 500%-800% (Career Partners International, 2008).
You think gold would have been a good investment three years ago? Watch where your life will be at if you invest in coaching today.
References:
Career Partners International. (2008). ROI of Executive Coaching. Retrieved June 24, 2008, from http://www.cpiworld.ca/default.asp?tier_1=21&tier_2=27&content=51.
Ng, F. (2010). Stressed? Burned Out? Overwhelmed? Self-published.
Fränzi Ng
Straight-Line Coach
Welcome to 37 new readers.
Calendar for 2012
How to Succeed in Any Economy:
Overcoming the 17 Classic Business Performance Blocks
- February 2: TD Waterhouse, Vancouver
- February 15: Community Futures, see detials here: http://drng.net/CommunityFutures.htm
- February 20: Chamber of Commerce Luncheon, Prince George
Something to Ponder...
If you feel guilty, what that means is that you are going to do it again.
- Ron Smothermon, MD
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