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February 5, 2016
Erotic Massage by Caffyn Jesse at Art of Loving
Alone or with others, Valentine's Day is a day to expand erotic connection. The heart-shaped Valentine is baheart-vulvased on the holy Vulva, sacred in many cultures around the world. To wish you happy V-Day, I have written an article about diving deep into 3 diverse dimensions of Sexual Experience. This is a transformative teaching for couples.

Reminder: Interview now for the Somatic Sex Educators Professional Training April-August 2016 (Residential Intensive June 5-16)

Dimensions of Sexual Experience
In my work with couples, I often hear complaints like this:
“She keeps zoning out and disconnecting from me!”
“I feel like a masturbation toy. I could be anyone!”
“Ze wants to tie me up! What kind of feminist is that?”
“I just can’t go deep with him!”

People get caug
ht up in conflicts and shaming around the go-to ways they play in the different dimensions of sexual experience. annoyed couple 2We all have our go-to ways of being sexual. But when we are unconscious in our choice of sexual scripts, or we think our way is the only “right” way, we come into unnecessary conflict with one another.

Psychologist Donald Mosher was the first to name three different scripts people have for sexual experience: Partner Engagement, Erotic Trance, and Role Play. For each sexual script, there are learnings and competencies that can help us go deeper.

Partner Engagement
For people whose go-to
script is Partner Engagement, sex is primarily an opportunity for profound relationship with another human. You want lots of interacnude-yabyum-ishtion, eye gazing, cuddling, and connected touch. You love the emotions that flow through mind and body with sexual touch and the mutual giving and receiving of pleasure. You want to be sexual with a partner who is special and unique. Sex is an expression of love. Great sex might mean an archetypal, mystical union and a merging with the divine in your beloved.

You can have more and better sex in this dimension with expanded heartfelt communication and practices from Tantra, including Eye Gazing, Connected Breath, Creating Sacred Space, and Yab-Yum.

Erotic Trance
For people whose primary sexual
script is Erotic Trance, sex is an opportunity for a profound experience of thrilling body sensation. You might tend to close your eyes to better concentrate on what is unfolding within. You are likely to feel pleasure most readily with a non-intrusive partner. Great sex in this style is an immersion in sensation that can be transporting, even hallucinatory – an ecstatic union with all life.

You can get more and better sex in this
Breathe the Body Eroticdimension by deliberately separating giving from receiving. Try Erotic Massage, and Erotic Ritual practices like OneTaste and Orgasmic Yoga. Mindfulness meditation, with Breathing Practices like the “Big Draw,” and “Circulating Erotic Energy” can help expand our capacities in this realm.

Role Play
People whose go-to
script is Role Play really enjoy the bird-maskerotic imagination, and the way thoughts can stimulate the nervous system to trigger arousal and orgasm. If people can create an environment of permission and playfulness around exploring this dimension, they will have a lot of fun.

Big archetypal themes that are common in fantasies and role play include: Boundary Transgression; Offending Cultural Prescriptions; Power and Surrender; and being an Object of Infinite Desire. Great sex can mean rewriting and physically rewiring
stories that are grooved into our nervous system by trauma, oppression, neglect and habit.

You can get more and better sex in this dimension by cultivating your erotic fantasies. Look for images online that trigger a visceral response, and write your own stories about them. Make a scrapbook! Make a “lust list” w
kinky queer roadside attractionith 10 fantasy scenarios you want to explore someday, and share them with a partner. Pick one and investigate what it would take to turn the fantasy into a real desire, and from there into a goal with a specific time frame. Would it help to take a workshop, buy a costume, make a date? Watch porn together. Laugh and get silly trying something new.

All three dimensions of sexual experience are immensely valuable. Each has its wonderous gifts. Yet all too often we meet each other at the lowest common denominator. Someone whose go-to script is Erotic Trance will grudgingly offer a partner a few words of love, then hurriedly go back into their inner focus. Someone whose go-to script is Partner Engagement will complain they are always unloved and unmet. Fantasies stay as underdeveloped snippets of erotic thoughts. flaming vulvaRole Play is explored in unconscious habits of anger and dependency. Yick! Let’s celebrate all the ways the erotic shows up in our beloveds and ourselves. If we get through our initial discomfort, we can dive deeply into each sexual script. When we commit to learning and playing with conscious awareness in multiple dimensions of sexual experience, we bring new joy into our lives and relationships. Happy V-Day!


Somatic Sex Educators Professional Training
Imagine a life spent helping people access the joy and power of erotic energy, with the support of extensive training, a professional association, and clear guidelines for practice.The Canadian Professional Somatic Sex Educator Training certifies Sexological Bodyworkers and Somatic Sex Educators. We are part of a global movement for healing personal and cultural relationships with sexual energy. We are now interviewing people interested in attending the Training in April-August 2016. Email me at and let's arrange to Skype or talk.

erotic massage Caffyn Jesse somatic Sex EducationErotic Massage for Healing and Pleasure
“Caffyn Jesse is one of the most profoundly gifted and learned Somatic Sex Educators of our time. Her vast terrain of knowledge from human physiology/anatomy to neurology, is voluminous while she also takes great care to attend to, invite and help cultivate the soulful and spiritual experiences of her clients. This book is not only a marvelous volume for those in the field of somatic sex education and hands-on erotic and educational practice but it's also a phenomenal resource for traditional body workers, traditional talk therapists and orientation queer meanings Caffyn Jesseindividuals and couples looking to increase their erotic intelligence and hands-on practices. I recommend this book highly and am profoundly grateful for Caffyn Jesse's rigorous, compassionate and relentlessly ethical practice as a somatic sex educator and teacher.”
- Christiane Pelmas, 5-star review on

Caffyn Jesse Author page,

Amazon Canada
Intimacy Education Intensive
In an intimate 6-day residential intensive, this advanced program trains people to practice erotic massage, with friends or professionally, with a clear knowledge of techniques, benefits, complexities and precautions. It is an introduction to the principles and practices of Somatic Sex Education. It is a journey of reweaving sex and soul.
By Caffyn Jesse with creative arts therapist Mehdi Dervish. September 18-23 and October 23-28, 2016. Register now to avoid disappointment, these programs usually sell out.
Substantial discount for early payment. Email me at
EroSpirit on Salt Spring Island
Phone/text: (250)537-1967

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Caffyn Jesse
131 Corbett Road
Salt Spring Island, BC V8K

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